Identity

I use many different names and titles to describe who and what I am. Dancer, writer, sister, daughter, friend, my given name, my middle names, Portland (which is my pen name), at times girlfriend, and often times friend. There are many times I refer to myself simply as "lonely". Sometimes I wonder if I am trying to explain my identity, not only to others but also to my self.  That maybe I am not quite sure of who I am yet, and maybe I don't, I am only 18 after all. Yet I feel as though I know who I am. I definitely know what I want. I want to be a dancer, and after 11 years of the art I think I am finally, rightfully, calling myself one. It took 11 years for me to begin to feel like this title truly belonged, yet I have been calling myself this since my first dance class in a small town studio at the age of 7. The title of writer came much later in life. I loved storytelling as my mother would gladly point out, but me and writing were not always the good friends we tend to be of recent years. I think that title might have come about during my high school years, though I have slowly been growing into it from the time I told my first child-like tale. Some titles you are born into like that of sister and daughter, others are given to you shortly after like first and middle names, and soon after these come nicknames. Then titles are given to define relationships with other people like that of friend and sometimes enemy. Rarely there are special titles like girlfriend and some I have yet to experience that of fiance and wife even maybe mother. Yet these titles sometimes feel more like they blur the line of what really is. Yes I am my mother's daughter, yet I am also her friend, she might just be the best friend I have ever had.

I have the title at my job that of cashier and the nickname of "Smiles". Yet I am a friend to many a person at my job where they know me not only because of the name tag on my shirt but because they took the time to know me. They asked questions and look past the bright blond hair the make up I only put on when I'm at work or doing a show... they look past the pasted on smile and the cheerful persona of my job and see me, but these people are few in my life. I am "friend" to many but few are "friend" to me. Even fewer have been given the title of boyfriend and the right to title me girlfriend, and none have had the privilege of calling me lover. I don't know what I'm missing or so I have been told.

I am okay with who I am, yet I have the hardest time finding the right title for me. Should I go with hippie? Dancer? Writer? Beautiful? Maybe with Blondie, which seems to be a consistency in all thinks nickname. None of these seem to explain ME exactly write not a single word to explain simply what I  am. Even if I should say all these things to a person I could not quite get the full picture of who and what I am... and I am not such a complex person.

I am who I am, and proud of it.
This is MY Identity I am MYSELF.