New life

So this is week one of my new life. Starting to work out and eat right again. This is the beginning result of what I look like, hopefully within a few months of this I will be able to post better results and show you what I look like then and now.

Front

Left side 

Right side

Back

Waves

It comes as this
a longing
a memory 
short 
infinitesimal 
a use to 
could have 
almost 

it is jealousy 
and hate 
it is fear 
of being lonely 
it is the breath 
without air 
it is me loving 
what I know could be 

it is simply this… 
me missing you 
it will not 
change 
not given 
millennia 

it will come 
as this 
waves 
of hopelessness

Haven't titled this one...

don’t write don’t say what is meant

twist past the heart

into the back

of a lie

the lie that helps

you

feel better while

bleeding from a self-given wound

and know  to stop

speaking

seeking

what is no longer yours to possess

focus on not letting go

not letting the present slip

not letting the past push in

until old wounds open

old memories surface

a flood of images

blood flowing from broken skin

carnage left by demands not met

feel that devil creep under your skin

to control the mind

heal enough for new wounds

lose site of self 

of knowing, who

of name, face, age…

lose track of time

of caring

of being

forget

until

you know

the image of your grave

Being asked "Who are you?"

A conversation with an acquaintance of mine...
We will start in the middle but where it got interesting
Him ~ Unless you are French. Then I agree. Lol
Me ~ Haha not that I am aware of...
Him ~ Do you know what you are? And don't say "a great dancer" or "Stunningly beautiful" because we already know that much. lol
Me ~ Haha like in the vast scheme of the universe or heritage?
Him ~ Is there a difference? Usually my two answers are "renaissance man" or "American". Haha
Me ~ okay... Wanderer, hippy, gypsy?
Him ~ That's one.
Me ~ Haha... well..
Him~ Well?
Me ~ I am my self. I belong no where. I am unique and cannot be defined or quantified. I love often and hurt easily but hide behind a smile. I use to know what and who I was but when you strip away dancer, writer, student, daughter, sister, friend... what is left? I would answer but I can't and I am searching for the answer...

I am not sure he expected such honesty... oh well.. He asked the very question I have been asking myself.

Adventure... Coming Soon

Okay I am a 21 year old girl from Oklahoma. I am working on getting ready for my first backpacking trip. Seeing that I am never the type of person to halfway achieve anything,  my undertaking will be the Colorado trail. This trail, if you aren't familiar with it, spans from Durango to Denver; is over 500 miles long and takes 4-6weeks to complete. I do plan on training ahead with small trips to test gear/knowledge etc. However I am starting from the beginning. I don't have gear, I don't have the know-how. Just a dream. Which has been in my brain since I went adventuring in Colorado with my parents and we stumbled upon a segment of the trail.

Step 1: Get in shape
Though I am a dancer... I am not in shape. From things I have been reading torso strength, cardiovascular health, and well breathing are key to being a good hiker. I love hiking but given where I live, not much hiking to be done. So I will have to start with walking. Walking the neighborhood perhaps.

Step 2: Gear
Obviously I own little to no gear. That being said my parents are avid motorcycle campers. Similar to packing for a backpacking trip and similar gear. So though I don't own gear I do have information about some of the gear.
Gear means money. Money means job. Job means less time getting ready. That being said one of my jobs is as a dance instructor which should help with some of the "in shape" business.

Step 3: Plan
by which I mean a better plan then this. I will Update my progress on this epic adventure I must do.

This all boils down to me wanting to do something amazing in my life. To be able to say "I am doing this, I can do this, I have done this, and I will do it again. "

I am taking a year away from college to figure out who I am and what I want to do. This adventure is the first thing that jumps to mind followed by finishing my degree and pursuing a masters in Dance Therapy. I cannot wait for this next step in my life! I hope you all will enjoy my updates from time to time as well as my video posts on YouTube. Username: DancingRayne

Until the next time
I hope you all live well, dream sweetly and love often,
Rayne

Laying on of hands

I remember the hands

my fathers, my mothers

hands I knew by feel

there were others too

a woman, her husband

each reaching

reaching

touching my head, my neck

my arm

nurturing touches

comfort, caring

nothing demanding

rough or heavy

I remember hands

tearing fabric and skin

leaving blood to trickle

harsh hands finding ways

to hold me down

finding ways

to keep me silent

Then a lovers hands

finding ways to comfort

to heal scarred skin

mend torn fabric

finding ways to soften

I remember hands

a grandmothers, a mothers

hands that know comfort

A Criminal, a rapist, a victim

hands that know damage

I remember a laying

on of hands finding

hardship, an aching

a peace

I remember hands

Nameless....

today I was Megan
and why not Megan
or Rachael or Grey
Am I myself because
my name is...
or would I be
me, regardless
maybe I am nameless
Does this make me
less...
less who I am
because my name
does not define
my nature
or does it
despite what you
call me
be it lover, sister, whore
am I Megan
Rachael
Grey
did I die here
nameless
on my grave