Sleepless

On sleepless night we all lay there staring at the empty space that is our ceiling and think of past decision and decision yet to be made. We think of all the possibilities and out comes and yet some how we think that we have missed some choice we could make or should have made. We settle on these things which makes our sleepless night restless. so we toss this way and that so that we are staring at the darkness which might be a wall, or maybe its the window... or a dresser... you toss and turn so much that you lose your sense of direction... you aren't sure if you are looking at the wall  or maybe it was the ceiling... perhaps your bed has moved and maybe, just maybe, you are staring at the floor. Your mind wanders to the in significant thing of what exactly that slightly darker blob is in the mist of the rest of the darkness... and you think that perhaps it is your old monster back to haunt you from childhood... that it has crept slowly out from under your bed or out of your closet to loom over you and your decisions whether made or yet to be made. You wish that you could run to the next room and cuddle up close to your parents and feel safe like you did when you were 5 or 6 but you aren't anymore and that would seem strange... so you lay in your bed sleepless and looking at the new monster. You lay there the whole night staring at the large eyes which are not the same size as each other. These eyes which see through every thing you have thought of, see the thing that you can see the path you know that you need and it chuckles and shakes. Just when you are about to run screaming into the next room, morning rays filter through the window and you are left staring at you ceiling with nothing but the light and the fire alarm staring back

Self Respect...

Self respect is something I find girls need to learn. One must also keep in mind that self respect and well conceitedness are not the same thing. You have to have the self respect to keep who you are a live and to not bend to the wills of those who don't understand you. I say this because recently while discussing plans for today with a young man, he asks me what I would like to do and me being me said well I don't know. So his first response was "Well anything sexually?"... now this is the point where me being me yet again said, "I don't think you are the kind of guy I want to spend time with." Yes I had the self respect to say no and mean it. He wanted to know why I "suddenly" felt that way. Here is the thing about suddenly feeling a certain way... it really isn't sudden... if he had known me even a little bit he wouldn't even considered asking me that. He assumed I was like many other girls in the world today who will do anything with anyone they are even slightly interested in, and few girls will do it whether they are interested in you or not. I am very sure of myself. I don't have a problem shaking a guys hand and looking people straight in the eyes and holding it there. I am in fact good with people, but I will not stand stupidity when it comes to things like asking me out. You must have a plan and it better be a good one.
Sincerely,
Every girl who deserves respect.

Identity

I use many different names and titles to describe who and what I am. Dancer, writer, sister, daughter, friend, my given name, my middle names, Portland (which is my pen name), at times girlfriend, and often times friend. There are many times I refer to myself simply as "lonely". Sometimes I wonder if I am trying to explain my identity, not only to others but also to my self.  That maybe I am not quite sure of who I am yet, and maybe I don't, I am only 18 after all. Yet I feel as though I know who I am. I definitely know what I want. I want to be a dancer, and after 11 years of the art I think I am finally, rightfully, calling myself one. It took 11 years for me to begin to feel like this title truly belonged, yet I have been calling myself this since my first dance class in a small town studio at the age of 7. The title of writer came much later in life. I loved storytelling as my mother would gladly point out, but me and writing were not always the good friends we tend to be of recent years. I think that title might have come about during my high school years, though I have slowly been growing into it from the time I told my first child-like tale. Some titles you are born into like that of sister and daughter, others are given to you shortly after like first and middle names, and soon after these come nicknames. Then titles are given to define relationships with other people like that of friend and sometimes enemy. Rarely there are special titles like girlfriend and some I have yet to experience that of fiance and wife even maybe mother. Yet these titles sometimes feel more like they blur the line of what really is. Yes I am my mother's daughter, yet I am also her friend, she might just be the best friend I have ever had.

I have the title at my job that of cashier and the nickname of "Smiles". Yet I am a friend to many a person at my job where they know me not only because of the name tag on my shirt but because they took the time to know me. They asked questions and look past the bright blond hair the make up I only put on when I'm at work or doing a show... they look past the pasted on smile and the cheerful persona of my job and see me, but these people are few in my life. I am "friend" to many but few are "friend" to me. Even fewer have been given the title of boyfriend and the right to title me girlfriend, and none have had the privilege of calling me lover. I don't know what I'm missing or so I have been told.

I am okay with who I am, yet I have the hardest time finding the right title for me. Should I go with hippie? Dancer? Writer? Beautiful? Maybe with Blondie, which seems to be a consistency in all thinks nickname. None of these seem to explain ME exactly write not a single word to explain simply what I  am. Even if I should say all these things to a person I could not quite get the full picture of who and what I am... and I am not such a complex person.

I am who I am, and proud of it.
This is MY Identity I am MYSELF.