Here's to the lonely

So I wear a mask... I pretend to be happy and okay and such... but I'm not... not even close. Honestly, I feel unbelievable alone in this world. I feel like I fit in to no ones life. Or I'm not the girl people want me to be, or I live to far away. Or they liked drugs better. I know every excuse. I'm not even upset because of that... I'm upset that I don't feel like I belong in my own skin, or in my own home... or anywhere... I feel completely....alone.

Because I'm Random and Weird

I have spent most of my life not wanting to live here. I don’t mean just in this state, I mean not in this world. I don’t mean I wanted to commit suicide or die. What I mean is… I have spent most of my life in my head dreaming of someplace epic. Where I could go on adventures and have near death experiences and live. Where romance was something fantastic, not frightening. Slowly things that happened in real life would creep in but there…. there I could deal with it. There I understood there I could extract revenge. There I had the body I wanted because there I was able to walk everyday and was doing stuff that would give me muscles. Here though here in the real world. I struggle to maintain weight because I run out of time in a day and some days I just truly want to sleep in or do nothing but doing nothing gets you no where. I have worked the same job since I was 16 I have been in college since I was 15 and I make good grades. I work hard but… somehow it is never enough. However there… there I am everything I have ever wanted to be. Skilled in fighting though even there I would rather not use violence to fix anything. I am a world famous dancer known for my ability to convey emotion through movement. I have time to write daily, to work out, to have a social life, a love life, and there … I have people who understand me.  Here I have my family who love me and understand parts of my heart that no one else ever will. I know that most people go through some phase of not fitting in. I am just not sure I will ever out grow my longing to live in that other world. With those imaginary people who I understand because they are my creation. Here… I understand very little. I wish I did though. Wish I could be the girl who manages to do everything excellently. I’m not though, and it is unrealistic to believe that I could.  I guess it is back to the everyday grind of life. Back to trying to keep my weight down when I’m surrounded by people who don’t really care. Living in a world where leisure is the key to life.  The easiest way is always the best. Nothing physical about our lives in modern times not even a little. Yet we wonder why obesity is a problem now and wasn’t in the past. We are sedentary. We don’t have to be anything but sedentary. Sigh.