War and friends....

Conflict.... It is hard to stay out of a war between separate groups, when they both try to shove you in the middle all the while apologizing and swearing they didn't mean to put you there. It is difficult to keep your composure against such things as this.  Raise your hands... back away... don't give in. Yet because you are forced to listen to both sides, you are forced to be on a side whether you chose to be on one... They push and force until they feel you have made a choice and of course to them... This imagined choice, is wrong. Try to hide the physical harm it does to be forced into their fight. The asthma attacks, sleepless nights, and heart pains. Care to much. End up bruised. They are mad at the world and you happen to be apart of their world... Time to face that stage of anger and war and wonder how to make it past the pain it causes... They can't see it.

My Secret...

I always run... Run from every guy no matter how honest, or sweet, or caring they are.... I am a runner. I didn't use to be. There was a time where I was confident. Where I didn't hide behind a fake smile and a sure I'm okay. It has only been a year but I still see your face... Every time I kiss someone it flashes through my mind. There are a very few days, where I think I might be okay... Might be able to forget what you did to me. What you forced on me... and then something triggers that memory all over again. I am left wanting to scream... but unable to force myself to... wanting to be held but afraid what the person holding me might do, that they might be like you. So I ruin every chance I ever had of being with someone.... and it isn't their fault it is yours or my minds. I never explain what happened what caused me to freak... I decided sharing with these people what happened might make myself more comfortable with them but then... like a switch suddenly I can't stand it anymore... can't hold back the images or the pain... Or the fear that it could happen again.. even if not by your hand.... and so I feel as though I am doomed to be alone. Maybe it is better that way then I wont hurt anyone around me anymore...